Michele Bachmann: The Colonel Sanders of Iowa Fried Bullshit.

Caption Not Required

Horrifyingly stupid and misinformed, Michele Bachmann has lately become a prevalent character in my nightmares. Not because of her diarrhea-brains -- a time-share on which she presumably owns with Sarah Palin -- but something far more sinister. Stupidity, though it galls me, I can handle. Palin may have made me pretty uneasy at times, as do most blithering Bumpit-wearing hockey moms in a place of power, but in the end she just became a parody of herself. (A special thanks to Tina Fey for speeding that one up.) When we said "gee, it sure does freak me out that Sarah Palin could become president," at least most of us were half-joking.

"Shakespeare liked to coin new words too, derp."

No no. What scares me the most about Bachmann is her terrifying ability to stay afloat among a sufficiently large following of mouthbreathing lemming-people who I imagine are as prejudiced, idiotic, startlingly oblivious and staggeringly disrespectful as their beloved Queen Bushpig. Even considering her usage of the amply buoyant fart-gas surrounding her brain as a flotation device, it still shocks me. Perhaps it shouldn't, given the all-too-familiar phenomenon of mob mentality we seem to have adopted as a nation. But I suppose I haven't been adequately desensitized yet.

The scary thing about Bachmann is that she possesses a certain degree of coherence that Palin never did; Bachmann -- even with her nightmarish values, opinions, and tragic historical misfires reminiscent of a poorly-studied-for high school history exam's answer sheet -- does not come off as a raving lunatic in her delivery... only in her content. Which, unfortunately, is just not quite ridiculous enough for the American public to shit-can without trepidation.

"NOT ALL CULTURES ARE EQUAL!"

In a nation with a voracious appetite for instant gratification, Michele Bachmann 2012 is an alarmingly feasible notion.

Which brings me to my original point: laughing at her, albeit mostly in horror.

The best part is probably Keith Olbermann's reaction... not to mention his impeccable logic.

Go here for my source of the video (which is number 3 on the list). I encourage you to watch the rest of them as well.

Boredcat is Bored.

It's amazing what you notice in the throes of deep, shitless boredom. The way the details, which would be otherwise overlooked, begin to stick out like sore thumbs when you have nothing else to occupy your time. When your book becomes tedious, StumbleUpon repetitive, and your stores of built-up rainy-day homework virtually exhausted, your senses elevate to animalistic acuity.

Everything is magnified. The way the soft but strident voice of the gregarious old woman next to you grates like pebbles being ground together until your own throat becomes itchy and you feel a compulsive need to clear it. The way the pocket-sized, archetypically gay man with an up-turned nose and a Bluetooth earpiece on your other side periodically turns to passively stare at you and, you suspect, your computer screen, until you are forced to meet his gaze -- perhaps a little too maliciously -- in order to make him avert his scrutinizing eyes. The way the vending machines 20 yards away have begun to emanate a steady high-pitched buzzing noise that you, in your unfortunate youth, can't shake from your ears. The way the squat 30-something woman with unfortunate style, a too-tight ponytail and dark circles around her eyes due to what would appear to be a lifelong lack of makeup is irritably rifling through the waiting room's magazines, pursing and smacking her thin lips, and periodically muttering incredulous curses and not entirely euphemistic oaths under her breath. The way the small, stooping Asian man nearby appears to be alternately cooking an invisible elaborate dish and directing invisible traffic onto a ferry boat, thumbs in the air, all the while with a pained look on his face suggesting a possible searing migraine. The way you could swear everyone around you is intently and judgmentally watching you slowly fill out your Seattle Times crossword puzzle. The way the polite, genteel old man talking loudly on the waiting room wall phone gargles his consonants like mouthwash as he works to spit out English words in his German accent. The way a woman's protein bar wrapper is making so much noise you would bet money that she is crinkling it on purpose.

But perhaps most notable is the way you become aware, as you unwrap your own protein bar, that everyone else is probably thinking the same thing about you. It is at this moment that you regain your sense of self and, unfortunately, your sense of weariness that has nothing to do with physical fatigue... unless you count the high level of energy you have exerted in changing the positions of your legs.

Only four more hours to go.

20 Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty.

So, I have a jury summons for tomorrow. I got it a while ago. Upon receiving my first summons, after getting over my initial amusement at the word "duty," I opted to defer, because I'm in school full time. So I received another summons before too long... and opted to defer a second time. After receiving my third summons, I wanted to defer again, or request an excusal on account of my being a full-time student in a town 80 miles away, but because I a)am in town for the date of my summons and b)neglected to mention the 80 miles away thing, they rejected my request and I'm stuck going to the courthouse at 8:00am. Today's mood: vexed.

Naturally, I started thinking of ways to avoid actually being put on a jury. I've heard a few different theories. Act confident, opinionated, stubborn, and maybe a little racist. Exaggerate your college degree. Or you could do as my mom did, and just... not show up. (She says she forgot... but I'm skeptical.)

In any case, I decided to come up with a few ideas of my own for getting out of jury duty. Personally I think they're surefire ways to avoid being put on a case. If they're not, I question the judicial system.

Here's a list of things I think would work during the voir dire process if, like me, you wish to shamelessly abscond from your civic duty. Haha... I said it again.

Tsssstsstsstsstssss.

1. Say you discriminate against all races. And sexes.
2. Say you have been put under the Imperius curse. By the plaintiff.
3. Pretend to be deaf.
4. Wear sunglasses to the courthouse and refuse to remove them because you are Scott Summers.
5. Fart incessantly.
6. Sing the chorus to Falco's "Amadeus" under your breath between sentences.
7. Assert your belief that gravity is a government conspiracy funded by our tax dollars.
8. Talk in a different accent every two minutes. When they ask you where you're from, say "the future."
9. Show up completely shitfaced.
10. When you walk in, say "boy, I sure hope there aren't any black people in this case."
11. Drink ipecac immediately before entering the courthouse.
12. Say you're nocturnal.
13. KKK hood.
14. Hit on one of the questioning attorneys with gusto.
15. Cry hysterically.
16. Fall asleep every time the attorneys say a trigger word of your choice.
17. When your name is called, firmly state that that is your slave name and that you wish to instead be called "Kichwa Tembo."
18. Begin to breast-feed a fake baby in the middle of the interview.
19. Bring a vehemently racist dummy with you.
20. Be this guy:

Oddly enough, this is what popped up when I googled "jury duty."

I'll keep you posted.

Happy Birthday, Danny.

12:30am, August 1st. So ends the 14th birthday of my little brother Danny. He's gone from this innocent cherub-faced OshKosh B'Gosh cereal box baby:

To this, the self-proclaimed ancient Norse deity and future bane of the existence of stupid people everywhere: 

Happy birthday, Danny boy.