20 Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty.

So, I have a jury summons for tomorrow. I got it a while ago. Upon receiving my first summons, after getting over my initial amusement at the word "duty," I opted to defer, because I'm in school full time. So I received another summons before too long... and opted to defer a second time. After receiving my third summons, I wanted to defer again, or request an excusal on account of my being a full-time student in a town 80 miles away, but because I a)am in town for the date of my summons and b)neglected to mention the 80 miles away thing, they rejected my request and I'm stuck going to the courthouse at 8:00am. Today's mood: vexed.

Naturally, I started thinking of ways to avoid actually being put on a jury. I've heard a few different theories. Act confident, opinionated, stubborn, and maybe a little racist. Exaggerate your college degree. Or you could do as my mom did, and just... not show up. (She says she forgot... but I'm skeptical.)

In any case, I decided to come up with a few ideas of my own for getting out of jury duty. Personally I think they're surefire ways to avoid being put on a case. If they're not, I question the judicial system.

Here's a list of things I think would work during the voir dire process if, like me, you wish to shamelessly abscond from your civic duty. Haha... I said it again.

Tsssstsstsstsstssss.

1. Say you discriminate against all races. And sexes.
2. Say you have been put under the Imperius curse. By the plaintiff.
3. Pretend to be deaf.
4. Wear sunglasses to the courthouse and refuse to remove them because you are Scott Summers.
5. Fart incessantly.
6. Sing the chorus to Falco's "Amadeus" under your breath between sentences.
7. Assert your belief that gravity is a government conspiracy funded by our tax dollars.
8. Talk in a different accent every two minutes. When they ask you where you're from, say "the future."
9. Show up completely shitfaced.
10. When you walk in, say "boy, I sure hope there aren't any black people in this case."
11. Drink ipecac immediately before entering the courthouse.
12. Say you're nocturnal.
13. KKK hood.
14. Hit on one of the questioning attorneys with gusto.
15. Cry hysterically.
16. Fall asleep every time the attorneys say a trigger word of your choice.
17. When your name is called, firmly state that that is your slave name and that you wish to instead be called "Kichwa Tembo."
18. Begin to breast-feed a fake baby in the middle of the interview.
19. Bring a vehemently racist dummy with you.
20. Be this guy:

Oddly enough, this is what popped up when I googled "jury duty."

I'll keep you posted.