Michele Bachmann: The Colonel Sanders of Iowa Fried Bullshit.

Caption Not Required

Horrifyingly stupid and misinformed, Michele Bachmann has lately become a prevalent character in my nightmares. Not because of her diarrhea-brains -- a time-share on which she presumably owns with Sarah Palin -- but something far more sinister. Stupidity, though it galls me, I can handle. Palin may have made me pretty uneasy at times, as do most blithering Bumpit-wearing hockey moms in a place of power, but in the end she just became a parody of herself. (A special thanks to Tina Fey for speeding that one up.) When we said "gee, it sure does freak me out that Sarah Palin could become president," at least most of us were half-joking.

"Shakespeare liked to coin new words too, derp."

No no. What scares me the most about Bachmann is her terrifying ability to stay afloat among a sufficiently large following of mouthbreathing lemming-people who I imagine are as prejudiced, idiotic, startlingly oblivious and staggeringly disrespectful as their beloved Queen Bushpig. Even considering her usage of the amply buoyant fart-gas surrounding her brain as a flotation device, it still shocks me. Perhaps it shouldn't, given the all-too-familiar phenomenon of mob mentality we seem to have adopted as a nation. But I suppose I haven't been adequately desensitized yet.

The scary thing about Bachmann is that she possesses a certain degree of coherence that Palin never did; Bachmann -- even with her nightmarish values, opinions, and tragic historical misfires reminiscent of a poorly-studied-for high school history exam's answer sheet -- does not come off as a raving lunatic in her delivery... only in her content. Which, unfortunately, is just not quite ridiculous enough for the American public to shit-can without trepidation.

"NOT ALL CULTURES ARE EQUAL!"

In a nation with a voracious appetite for instant gratification, Michele Bachmann 2012 is an alarmingly feasible notion.

Which brings me to my original point: laughing at her, albeit mostly in horror.

The best part is probably Keith Olbermann's reaction... not to mention his impeccable logic.

Go here for my source of the video (which is number 3 on the list). I encourage you to watch the rest of them as well.

Boredcat is Bored.

It's amazing what you notice in the throes of deep, shitless boredom. The way the details, which would be otherwise overlooked, begin to stick out like sore thumbs when you have nothing else to occupy your time. When your book becomes tedious, StumbleUpon repetitive, and your stores of built-up rainy-day homework virtually exhausted, your senses elevate to animalistic acuity.

Everything is magnified. The way the soft but strident voice of the gregarious old woman next to you grates like pebbles being ground together until your own throat becomes itchy and you feel a compulsive need to clear it. The way the pocket-sized, archetypically gay man with an up-turned nose and a Bluetooth earpiece on your other side periodically turns to passively stare at you and, you suspect, your computer screen, until you are forced to meet his gaze -- perhaps a little too maliciously -- in order to make him avert his scrutinizing eyes. The way the vending machines 20 yards away have begun to emanate a steady high-pitched buzzing noise that you, in your unfortunate youth, can't shake from your ears. The way the squat 30-something woman with unfortunate style, a too-tight ponytail and dark circles around her eyes due to what would appear to be a lifelong lack of makeup is irritably rifling through the waiting room's magazines, pursing and smacking her thin lips, and periodically muttering incredulous curses and not entirely euphemistic oaths under her breath. The way the small, stooping Asian man nearby appears to be alternately cooking an invisible elaborate dish and directing invisible traffic onto a ferry boat, thumbs in the air, all the while with a pained look on his face suggesting a possible searing migraine. The way you could swear everyone around you is intently and judgmentally watching you slowly fill out your Seattle Times crossword puzzle. The way the polite, genteel old man talking loudly on the waiting room wall phone gargles his consonants like mouthwash as he works to spit out English words in his German accent. The way a woman's protein bar wrapper is making so much noise you would bet money that she is crinkling it on purpose.

But perhaps most notable is the way you become aware, as you unwrap your own protein bar, that everyone else is probably thinking the same thing about you. It is at this moment that you regain your sense of self and, unfortunately, your sense of weariness that has nothing to do with physical fatigue... unless you count the high level of energy you have exerted in changing the positions of your legs.

Only four more hours to go.

20 Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty.

So, I have a jury summons for tomorrow. I got it a while ago. Upon receiving my first summons, after getting over my initial amusement at the word "duty," I opted to defer, because I'm in school full time. So I received another summons before too long... and opted to defer a second time. After receiving my third summons, I wanted to defer again, or request an excusal on account of my being a full-time student in a town 80 miles away, but because I a)am in town for the date of my summons and b)neglected to mention the 80 miles away thing, they rejected my request and I'm stuck going to the courthouse at 8:00am. Today's mood: vexed.

Naturally, I started thinking of ways to avoid actually being put on a jury. I've heard a few different theories. Act confident, opinionated, stubborn, and maybe a little racist. Exaggerate your college degree. Or you could do as my mom did, and just... not show up. (She says she forgot... but I'm skeptical.)

In any case, I decided to come up with a few ideas of my own for getting out of jury duty. Personally I think they're surefire ways to avoid being put on a case. If they're not, I question the judicial system.

Here's a list of things I think would work during the voir dire process if, like me, you wish to shamelessly abscond from your civic duty. Haha... I said it again.

Tsssstsstsstsstssss.

1. Say you discriminate against all races. And sexes.
2. Say you have been put under the Imperius curse. By the plaintiff.
3. Pretend to be deaf.
4. Wear sunglasses to the courthouse and refuse to remove them because you are Scott Summers.
5. Fart incessantly.
6. Sing the chorus to Falco's "Amadeus" under your breath between sentences.
7. Assert your belief that gravity is a government conspiracy funded by our tax dollars.
8. Talk in a different accent every two minutes. When they ask you where you're from, say "the future."
9. Show up completely shitfaced.
10. When you walk in, say "boy, I sure hope there aren't any black people in this case."
11. Drink ipecac immediately before entering the courthouse.
12. Say you're nocturnal.
13. KKK hood.
14. Hit on one of the questioning attorneys with gusto.
15. Cry hysterically.
16. Fall asleep every time the attorneys say a trigger word of your choice.
17. When your name is called, firmly state that that is your slave name and that you wish to instead be called "Kichwa Tembo."
18. Begin to breast-feed a fake baby in the middle of the interview.
19. Bring a vehemently racist dummy with you.
20. Be this guy:

Oddly enough, this is what popped up when I googled "jury duty."

I'll keep you posted.

Happy Birthday, Danny.

12:30am, August 1st. So ends the 14th birthday of my little brother Danny. He's gone from this innocent cherub-faced OshKosh B'Gosh cereal box baby:

To this, the self-proclaimed ancient Norse deity and future bane of the existence of stupid people everywhere: 

Happy birthday, Danny boy.

The Life of Cragmore, My Little Brother's Alter Ego.

My 13-year-old brother Danny has always been smart. Like, weirdly smart. The kind of smart that has a dark side. Not only does he have a vocabulary and conversational ability that outclasses most college students, I'm pretty sure he's been aware of his own mortality since he started teething.

"Apricot flavor, carrot flavor... either way, I'm still just a blip on the radar of an infinite universe."

Currently, Danny is in the 7th grade. Last year, a little girl he's friends with asked him out. Rather than become awkward, or stick out his tongue and run away, or throw cookies at her, or blush and pee his pants, or whatever it is normal 13-year-old boys do when girls talk to them, he simply declined politely. It's not this that baffles me, though; it's the reason he gave for declining, which was: "Seriously? We're in the sixth grade, we're too young to date."

Several months later Danny's friend -- let's call him McGillicutty -- entered what I'm calling the "Spike the bulldog" phase of his pubescence, named for the shoulders-up, fists-clenched, brow-furrowed and jaw-thrust-forward way McGillicutty had apparently started walking in an attempt to look tough at school.

Pictured: McGillicutty demanding a cat's lunch money.

According to Danny, McGillicutty had made a habit of talking down to him when other kids were around, and once when Danny called McGillicutty asking him if he wanted to come over, McGillicutty answered "Why would I want to do that?" ...But, when I offered to fill McGillicutty's backpack with dead squid to take him down a peg, Danny only answered: "No, he's just trying to seem tough, it's just a phase. He'll get over it." And he turned back to the computer, which he was using to learn how to speak Russian... for fun.

What kind of sixth-grader is so acutely aware of his adolescence that he knows how ridiculous it is for kids his age to date? What kind of 13-year-old kid is so worldly, he knows that his stupid friend is just going through a phase? Don't most 13-year-old kids dread that kind of shit? I thought that's what was supposed to happen in middle school, wasn't it? That it was supposed to damage you, make you a cynic at an early age?

Danny's friend McGillicutty helped to plant that seed of cynicism, no doubt about that, but not by making Danny feel crappy about himself; it was by corroborating his pre-existing suspicions of how stupid other people have the capacity to be!


But I digress.


The lighter side to Danny's intelligence is a... well, let's call it a unique sense of humor. He enjoys farts as much as the next person, sure, but he also has an uncanny flair for bizarre, but inexplicably intelligent, comedic timing.

Know what I mean?

A couple of years ago, Danny got in the habit of making these deep croaking noises in the back of his throat whenever our other brother Tommy was eating or drinking, after Danny had discovered how hard it made Tommy laugh. (I should mention that there is no easier thing on this earth than to make Tommy laugh when he's trying to eat or drink... but that's not important.) Eventually, the croaking noises turned into words, and then into full sentences. (Think of someone burping, then think of someone burping the ABC's, and then think of someone burping entire song lyrics. It was kinda like that, but a lot funnier.)

Eventually, he decided that this "old man voice" of his was actually the voice of his alter ego... and so, Cragmore was born.

Cragmore is distrustful, inquisitive and constantly frustrated by the stupidity of those around him. We also discovered that he has some disturbing intentions, especially towards Tommy. Cragmore's favorite activity, while he's not making noises and remarks under his breath in order to render Tommy incapable of eating, is to threaten him in creative ways.

Before long I had a substantial list of things Cragmore had said. I decided they should be compiled somehow, especially after realizing that he was funnier than any internet meme I had thus far encountered... so, I did it. I went there. I decided the internet didn't have enough drivel on it, and made the Cragmore Meme.

Enjoy your meal.

More to come. Remember the Alamo.

The Hilarity that is Scott Cohen as 'Wolf' in The 10th Kingdom.

Because I find the IMDB somewhat annoying to navigate, here's a list of the best (according to yours truly) quotes from Wolf, my favorite character in the 2000 TV mini-series, "The 10th Kingdom."

“You are as safe as a brick-built pig house!”

"No, no! ‘Rare’ implies dangerously cooked. When I say rare I mean just let it look at the oven in terror, then bring it out to me."

"A shepherdess makes quite a mess, but little lambs are lovely!"

Evil Queen: "I've turned Prince Wendell into a dog."
Wolf: "Good idea."

“Wolfies just PRETEND to do naughty things.”

“Butter would not melt in my mouth. Well, it would melt. Of course it would melt, but very slowly.”

“Bacon sizzling away on an iron frying pan! Baste it! Roast it! Toast it! Nibble it! Chew it! Bite right through it! Wobble it! Gobble it! Wrap it 'round a couple of chickens and I am RAVENOUS!”

Tony: [After Wolf throws a stick at Wendell’s gold-imprisoned dog form] “That's not funny!”

Wolf: “It can get funnier if we keep on doing it.”

Virginia: “You come an inch closer and I swear I'll shout my head off.”

Wolf: “Oooh, that is what is known as an empty threat.”

“I smell DOG!”

“We either live happily ever after or we get killed by horrible curses.”

Sally Peep: “If my door wasn't locked, I'd be scared you'd come into my house and huff and puff and blow all my clothes off!”

Wolf: “…Where do you live, Sally?”

Restaurant Owner: “I am the greatest chef in the Nine Kingdoms! Folks travel hundreds of miles just to eat my food!”

Wolf: “Yeah, well, my date's from a different dimension, so don't slip up.”

“Don't worry, I'm not who I used to be! I've had extensive therapy. I realize I have been using food as a substitute for love and I have the books to prove it: "Breaking the Cycle", "Heal Yourself in 7 Days", "Stop Blaming Yourself, Please”, and "Help for the Bedwetting Child"… which I picked up by mistake. But I've got them all!”

Wolf: “Oh, let me put your mind at rest! Now that I've seen you, eating you is out of the question! Not even on the menu! Now, I know this is sudden but... How about a date?”

[Virginia holds a broom in between the two of them]

Wolf: “We started badly, but I take all the blame for that.”

Dr. Horowitz: “Now I'm going to give you a word, and I want you to say the first word that comes into your mind.”

Wolf: “Oh, yeah! Oh, a game. Yeah.”

Dr. Horowitz: “Here we go. Home.”

Wolf: “Cooking.”

Dr. Horowitz: “Coward.”

Wolf: “Chicken!”

Dr. Horowitz: “Wedding.”

Wolf: “Cake.”

Dr. Horowitz: “Dead.”

Wolf: “Mmmeat!”

Dr. Horowitz: “Sensual.”

Wolf: “Oooh, appetite!”

Dr. Horowitz: “Love.”

Wolf: “Oh! To eat anything fluffy! Ah, sorry, sorry, more than one word. Start again?”

And, of course, Wolf on romance. Because I wish every guy took Wolf's approach. Believe me, it would work.

"You make me hard and soft at the same time."

“I've always wanted to say this. Love of my life, let down your lustrous locks!”

Tony: “I need to know if your intentions are honorable.”

Wolf: [very long pause] “No, not really.”

Wolf: "Doc, I met this terrific girl and I really, really, REALLY like her. But, the thing is...”

Dr. Horowitz: “Well, go on, say it.”

Wolf: “I...”

Dr. Horowitz: “Say it!”

Wolf: “Not sure whether I-I-I wanna love her… or eat her.”

Wolf: “You don't trust nobody.”

Virginia: “I don't trust you, no.”

Wolf: “Well, you may not get hurt, but huff puff, you won't get loved either.”

Virginia: “I have a hard time trusting people. I just never wanna jump unless I'm sure somebody's gonna catch me.”

Wolf: “Oh, I'll catch you. And if I miss for any reason, I'll sit by your bedside and nurse you back to health.”

Wolf: “I picked up your trail a few days ago.”

Virginia: “But how? We went through a mountain!”

Wolf: “Virginia, I could follow your scent across time itself.”

You and your tiny little eyebrows.

30 Somewhat Unconventional Ways I Like My Men.

1. I like my men how I like my coffee. Mostly black.
2. I like my men how I like my pizza. Dipped in ranch.
3. I like my men how I like my chocolate. With nuts.
4. I like my men how I like my showers. Hot and soapy.
5. I like my men how I like my bathroom stalls. Taller than me.
6. I like my men how I like my bras. They don't chafe my nipples.
7. I like my men how I like my jello. Full of booze.
8. I like my men how I like my chapstick. In my pocket.
9. I like my men how I like my browsing history. Vulgar and full of Star Wars trivia.
10. I like my men how I like my drinks. The more I've had, the more easily I forget the number.
11. I like my men how I like my comedic timing. Awkward and inappropriate.
12. I like my men how I like my jokes. Racist.
13. I like my men how I like my alcoholics. Always up for another round.
14. I like my men how I like my wine. Aged and in my rack.
15. I like my men how I like my internet memes. Stupid and everywhere.
16. I like my men how I like my computer. Always turned on.
17. I like my men how I like my waistband. Loose on holidays.
18. I like my men how I like my movie theaters. They don't mind that I'm usually drunk.
19. I like my men how I like my Wednesdays. No pants.
20. I like my men how I like my mirror. Beautiful and easy to talk to.
21. I like my men how I like my dreams. Fucked up and normally meaningless.
22. I like my men how I like my Sharpies. Ultra fine.
23. I like my men how I like my farts. Always following me around.
24. I like my men how I like my convenience stores. They don't ask how old I am.
25. I like my men how I like my vitamins. Covered in cartoon dinosaurs.
26. I like my men how I like my blind deaf-mutes. Touchy feely.
27. I like my men how I like my Twilight books. Idiotic and easy to read.
28. I like my men how I like my open houses. I can always leave without making a commitment.
29. I like my men how I like my laundry. Dirty and on my floor.
    
    And finally,
    
30. I like my men how I like my snooty expensive restaurant owners who won't let me use their bathroom. They don't care that I'm full of shit. 

Boyfriend, Thy Name is School.

I have been in a steady relationship for a long time now. Over the past four years it's gotten pretty serious. However, although it's always been something of an emotional rollercoaster (forgive the cliché), I've begun to notice that lately, our relationship has taken on a sort of "downward spiral" motif.

Folks, I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend. His name is School. And he is an abusive tool.

Poetry achieved.

Below is a checklist of 10 items I have established as irrefutable signs your boyfriend is also an abusive tool.

The unfortunate truth to this checklist is that for me, each and every shitty god-forsaken item is followed closely by a resounding "check!"... If anyone has any recommendations for counseling, I welcome them.

And by "recommendations for counseling," I really mean "favorite creative ways to drink vodka."

Your boyfriend is probably abusive if:

1. He makes you feel stupid.
2. He makes you feel suffocated or stifled.
3. He doesn't allow you to hang out with your friends.
4. He intentionally disrupts your sleep pattern in order to better control you.
5. He keeps you around by repeatedly and expertly manipulating you into thinking you still love him.
6. He occasionally rewards your good behavior with small surprises, giving you hope for the future, only to immediately revert to his previous pain-causing douchebaggery.
7. He constantly reminds you how disappointed in you he is.
8. He gets extremely jealous of others, purposely making it difficult to maintain any other relationships at the same time.
9. He drives you to drink.
   
   And last but not least:
   
   
10. He is so expertly manipulative that despite numbers 1-9, your family seems to love him; the only question they ever seem to ask you is "How's School?"