Today I was thinking (against my better judgment), and I realized that life -- or, more specifically, sex -- is, in many ways, like music. (Told you.)
It doesn't matter whether you're a musical being with nimble fingers and a perfect ear, or a tone-deaf business major with the pitch recognition of Helen Keller. It doesn't matter if you think "Ride of the Valkyrie" is actually called "Kill the Wabbit," and it doesn't matter whether or not you actually are a pretentious and/or classically trained douchebag (and by that I mean "musician"); whoever you are, the concept of music can (and will now) be crudely fashioned into an analogy for your sex life.
Examples, you ask? Why, surely.
1. Practicing by yourself is a lot easier than practicing in front of other people.
2. The fact that your piece is longer than someone else's doesn't make it any better.
3. On that note, painfully long pieces with multiple variations and repeat signs are impressive at first but, ultimately, can be exceedingly boring to play. No one is interested in performing a piece that never finishes.
4. The best duets are the ones that finish at the same time.
5. In a good trio, everybody gets to play a part. No one likes to be left out, and they look really awkward just sitting there next to the other two performers not doing anything.
6. If you're going to learn to play an instrument, it's often best to select one that isn't too big for you. There's a reason you've probably never seen a 4'11" girl play the tuba.
7. If you play loudly at 3am, your neighbors will probably hate you. Unless you sound really, really good. And if you're lucky... jam session.
8. Clean up your mess. Nothing worse than walking into a room after someone's emptied their spit valve all over the floor.
9. Lubricate your bow. This is very important; nothing worse than a dry, scratchy bow.
This man is not enjoying your performance.
10. It's important to be open to new ideas. When someone asks you to try doing something differently, it won't do to reply with "but this is how I learned it."
11. Try not to get too frustrated. This leads to shoddy technique and sore fingers.
12. You can't rush through music. If you do, you'll miss important subtleties that are an integral part of the, um... ahem. Piece. The whole ordeal will be over too quickly, and you (not to mention your audience) will be left wanting. Also, depending on the complexity of said piece, you run the risk of experiencing stress-induced heart failure or, in extreme cases, shitted bedsheets. I mean, pants.
13. Details are very important. Focusing only on the big picture with a "just get 'er done" mentality makes your performance bland and unoriginal, and it indicates to others that you aren't invested (or skilled) enough in your work to fine-tune. In other words, you are lazy and boring and nobody wants to... listen to your music.
14. There are trained professionals out there who know what they're doing a hell of a lot better than you do. Don't beat yourself up if you can't immediately rise to their skill level. Living in a constant state of self-loathing and disappointment will only hinder your improvement with future audiences.
15. Got stage fright? Alcohol is not the answer (with the exception of a few rare cases). In this analogy, "stage fright" is the rough musical equivalent of "whiskey dick." Neither of which will likely be improved whatsoever by tequila shots.
16. A rush of adrenaline will often cause you to frantically pick up the pace until you are cramping and sweating and spiraling out of control. If this happens to you, take a moment to regroup before you throw out your back (or break somebody's furniture). This isn't a race. Seriously. It's not.
17. Be open to different performance styles. Sometimes solo concerts are just as fun as those featuring an ensemble.
18. It's okay to swear loudly while practicing. Nothing wrong with a little emotion. However, depending on the venue, sometimes less is more.
19. If you're a one-trick pony whose main event is the chorus of "Hey There Delilah," I promise you, you won't impress any girls that have even a shred of musical experience. Nope -- not even the ugly ones.
20. It's okay to make funny faces when you're playing music. Don't be deterred by the fact that members of your audience will probably talk about your faces amongst each other later, and probably perform their own renditions of them for each other's amusement.
There are a number of common faces you will see over the course of your musical career.
- The over-concentrator:
- The over-eager:
- The easily frustrated:
- The excessively responsive:
- The one who doesn't actually seem to be enjoying the music:
- And, of course, the musician who sweats too much:
And will, apparently, kill and eat you for afters.
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In conclusion, my fellow artists, I wish you luck on your musical quest. And remember: use protection!
And don't be afraid to go ribbed.
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