"Apricot flavor, carrot flavor... either way, I'm still just a blip on the radar of an infinite universe."
Currently, Danny is in the 7th grade. Last year, a little girl he's friends with asked him out. Rather than become awkward, or stick out his tongue and run away, or throw cookies at her, or blush and pee his pants, or whatever it is normal 13-year-old boys do when girls talk to them, he simply declined politely. It's not this that baffles me, though; it's the reason he gave for declining, which was: "Seriously? We're in the sixth grade, we're too young to date."
Several months later Danny's friend -- let's call him McGillicutty -- entered what I'm calling the "Spike the bulldog" phase of his pubescence, named for the shoulders-up, fists-clenched, brow-furrowed and jaw-thrust-forward way McGillicutty had apparently started walking in an attempt to look tough at school.
According to Danny, McGillicutty had made a habit of talking down to him when other kids were around, and once when Danny called McGillicutty asking him if he wanted to come over, McGillicutty answered "Why would I want to do that?" ...But, when I offered to fill McGillicutty's backpack with dead squid to take him down a peg, Danny only answered: "No, he's just trying to seem tough, it's just a phase. He'll get over it." And he turned back to the computer, which he was using to learn how to speak Russian... for fun.
What kind of sixth-grader is so acutely aware of his adolescence that he knows how ridiculous it is for kids his age to date? What kind of 13-year-old kid is so worldly, he knows that his stupid friend is just going through a phase? Don't most 13-year-old kids dread that kind of shit? I thought that's what was supposed to happen in middle school, wasn't it? That it was supposed to damage you, make you a cynic at an early age?
Danny's friend McGillicutty helped to plant that seed of cynicism, no doubt about that, but not by making Danny feel crappy about himself; it was by corroborating his pre-existing suspicions of how stupid other people have the capacity to be!
But I digress.
The lighter side to Danny's intelligence is a... well, let's call it a unique sense of humor. He enjoys farts as much as the next person, sure, but he also has an uncanny flair for bizarre, but inexplicably intelligent, comedic timing.
Know what I mean?
A couple of years ago, Danny got in the habit of making these deep croaking noises in the back of his throat whenever our other brother Tommy was eating or drinking, after Danny had discovered how hard it made Tommy laugh. (I should mention that there is no easier thing on this earth than to make Tommy laugh when he's trying to eat or drink... but that's not important.) Eventually, the croaking noises turned into words, and then into full sentences. (Think of someone burping, then think of someone burping the ABC's, and then think of someone burping entire song lyrics. It was kinda like that, but a lot funnier.)
Eventually, he decided that this "old man voice" of his was actually the voice of his alter ego... and so, Cragmore was born.
Cragmore is distrustful, inquisitive and constantly frustrated by the stupidity of those around him. We also discovered that he has some disturbing intentions, especially towards Tommy. Cragmore's favorite activity, while he's not making noises and remarks under his breath in order to render Tommy incapable of eating, is to threaten him in creative ways.
Before long I had a substantial list of things Cragmore had said. I decided they should be compiled somehow, especially after realizing that he was funnier than any internet meme I had thus far encountered... so, I did it. I went there. I decided the internet didn't have enough drivel on it, and made the Cragmore Meme.
Enjoy your meal.
More to come. Remember the Alamo.
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